Tufts!

i've chosen Tufts!

first class in t-minus 11 weeks.

very exciting. very scary. very...good.

go Jumbos??

hmmm...

so i ventured back to indiana for the Easter weekend. simply put, things i like/miss about indiana:

• green. green grass, green trees, flowers...spring is in April, not June. weird.
  
• hugs.
• grandma's cooking.
• dance parties in the car.
• did i mention hugs?

after a delightful weekend absorbing the above, i came home last night to a nice big envelope from Tufts. accepted! (finally). hooray. :)

since i don't post much, i'm guessing my next post might mention what the heck i'll be doing come June (read: new things). basically, the question to be answered (soon) is: Tufts, Brandeis, or Neither??? to the five of you that actually read this, i love feedback...

the SF/Bay Area recap

by the numbers...

• 5360: approximate number of miles flown, round-trip.
• 11: hours spent flying.
• 56: hours spent in the Bay Area.
• 90: minutes spent in San Francisco. (yes, minutes.)
  
• 12: miles run with fellow LUNA teammates.
• 2: ice baths, after runs.
  
• 8-10: inches of snow Boston got while i was gone.
  
• 5-ish: times i kicked myself for not applying to grad schools in CA...
• 0: times i thought of work, decisions, or anything remotely stressful.

the Bay Area is absolutely stunning! things i expected: warm weather, beautiful hills, good times. things i did not expect: breathtaking running routes, early-morning and after-sunset romantic fogs, and more green than i've seen in a very long time...


besides the near-perfection that is the Bay Area, the flight just getting there was incredible. it was super-early, so i passed out for the majority of the first 2 hours. when i awoke, i looked out the window to see where we were...and found myself staring down at Lake Michigan and the miniature-model skyline of Chicago, the Sears Tower just a speck on the horizon. later i got to take in the Rockies and the Grand Canyon from 35,000 feet. and it was all so beautiful, so humbling, so freeing. seeing places i know decently well (Chicago), as well as places of great wonder i've visited only once (the Grand Canyon) from an entirely new perspective left me a speechless and giddy girl, flashing grins out from the side of an aircraft to the world below.



i felt very small. i felt pretty freaking insignificant. it felt refreshingly good.

i've seen a lot of the US, 47 states to be exact (anyone want to road trip to Idaho, Utah, or Delaware??). but something about flying the width of the country for 6 hours, and getting to see some pretty stellar sights along the way, gave me a surge of pride and respect and thankfulness for this country that i've been missing for too long. in the midst of the city i had forgotten how diverse and captivating our land really is.

i also forgot just how much my love to travel and explore new places and meet new people is, well, me. and that left me even more excited for a couple weeks in June in which i will do a lot of those three things. yay.

i heart SF.

stories soon...

through new eyes.

on my list of favorite activities, somewhere after running and before reading would lie people-watching. and living in the city provides ample opportunities for watching people, all kinds and shapes and colors of people. it's quite wonderful.

lately, i've gone a little further in my people-watching. i really try to catch people's eyes, look them in the eye.

and this can be a scary thing.

so i've made it a point to practice on people i know. which sounds funny, because before i moved here i think looking people in the eye was pretty much a given thing. but then the city hardens you a bit, and you start noticing that everyone seems incredibly interested in the sidewalk as you pass, so you start following suite. slowly but surely this callousness grows, and the next thing you know, your eyes drift from side-to-side as you are talking with your closest friends...and making eye-contact is almost painful. and really, i wonder if the root of it is that you don't want that person to see your eyes, to see inside you, because hard hearts have big ugly walls, and no one wants to see those.

each time i venture back to indiana - or at least during the last couple visits - i am thrown back into this crazy phenomenon of looking at people's eyes, because people are constantly looking me in the eye when i am talking with them, which at first is extremely uncomfortable...but after a couple days, it's just...nice. and i realize how important it is, and how much i haven't been doing it.

so for the past couple months, i've been more intentional, and it's been good. watching people's eyes, really staring into them, has been just another way that i think i've gotten to see people more through the eyes of jesus...which is entirely incredible and overwhelming and humbling and amazing all at once. things simultaneously become more clear and more confusing; many times i find my heart burning with equal portions of joy and anger; and answers to long-standing questions give way to just more questions.

it's good.

anyway, a couple pairs of eyes i'd like to share...

my friend nick. nine times out of ten, his eyes are dilated. he's an alcoholic. he lives on the streets. and he loves hugs, and calls me his kimmy. looking into his eyes i've been able to see so much of myself...just a tired and searching soul, trying to find a home, trying to understand this very f-ed up world. i also see a man who loves and truly appreciates his friends, who holds on to each one tightly. he is loyal, and deep deep down has a lot of joy that has only begun to make its way out.

this guy named jeff, who i work with at the gym. jeff is about my age, and has some pretty big mental and social limitations. i like him a lot because he looks at the world through eyes of a ten-year-old. and his eyes are the most beautiful blue eyes i've ever seen. they radiate. but what i see, too, in his eyes is loneliness. so i listen to his stories, and his repetitive phrases ("it's SO crowded" and "there's SO many towels"), that never lose one ounce of excitement. in him i see the child-like wonder i've all but lost...and i'm inspired to take hold, once again, of the child-likeness in me that so much of the time is pushed aside.

so here's to nick and jeff and others. thanks for allowing me to look into your eyes. and thanks for being brave enough to look into mine.

accepted!

i've been accepted to Brandeis University for grad school! hooray!!

after a really, really bad week last week, the past two days have been very very good. and this is just icing on the cake... :)

God is faithful and just.

the simple life.

trying to simplify the life. i'd really rather do a couple things really well, than many things with mediocrity. and i've fallen into the latter category, once again.

with that comes some big-time decisions over the next six-ish weeks. stay tuned.

MuteMath rocks my world. and this rocked the city yesterday...fun times.

winter-inspired haikus

[also inspired by cory, the haiku master]

10 degrees tonight
my roommate's in hawaii
lucky, lucky girl

crockpots are so great
i made soup for the whole week!
warm and delicious!

cold fingers and toes
turn death-white and stop working
how i love Raynaud's

oh-seven

the holidays were simply fabulous. time with very treasured friends and family left me super-saturated by love and grace. i am so incredibly blessed.

me and the fam on Christmas. we are a small bunch, but we are stellar. especially my grandma, the coolest 91-year-old you could ever know...

after Christmas, i made some trips: to MI (for Kristi and Ben's wedding) and FL (for the Purdue bowl game). good times. :) and my time in indiana was incredible, seeing dear friends - some of whom i haven't seen in 2-4 years - and just resting and eating enough to feed a small village. so yeah, i won't clutter up things with a million pictures, but for those i got to see, no matter how long the time spent together, know that you blessed me immensely. really.

i'm not big on the whole New Year's resolution thing, but i do like to make some changes at the start of the year, since that seems to be a natural time of reflection and such. the things i found needed tweaking i'm not going to share here, but basically i found that i need to take better care of me. the past year i've let some things slide, and that has produced a not-as-good kimmy at times.

so, to that end, today i went grocery shopping and bought some real food, including...MEAT. and this week, i got new contacts and glasses, very much needed and momma's generous Christmas gift to me. so with increased protein consumption and better vision, '07 looks to be a banner year...

(me + glasses = smarter? dorkier? grad-school-student-ish? i'd love a little feedback...)

closing out '06...

the lines at the post office have been crazy long, i've eaten nothing but sugar for the past week, and my grad school apps are finally done. which means only one thing: Christmas is soon! i'll be traveling a lot in the next couple weeks, so until sometime in '07...Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

the office...

this is the smaller half of our shared office with Reunion. the back room with the chairs is Reunion's office...

...and this is our space.

our offices are looking SO much better with the new addition of CARPET!! they are still a little ghetto, what with the cat hospital two floors below us and the lovely urine-smell in the stairwells...but hey, it's an office and we like it.

it's the little things...

yay valium! i got these little guys last week (prescribed, see?) and they are just super! good for so much more than curing muscle spasms...








and another wonderful little thing: the new charlie cards. just tap and go! sooo great! making everyone's T experience a bit better...

who's serving whom?

i was talking with my friend derrick tonight, and while so many things became stunningly clear, a couple questions really broke out of my heart.

for one, when we hang out with our homeless friends each wednesday night, serving them food, giving them some warm clothes, talking, singing, praying, and [more than anything] listening...who is serving whom? i wonder because many of these people are very much my friends, and bless me with conversation and hugs and love. it's a wonderful community, on the edge of the Common, a place where at 10 o'clock at night you shouldn't feel safe, but i...do.

so yeah, i guess the answer is, we serve each other, in some ways different, but in many ways the same. it's so good. i'm reminded of hank's sermon on sunday. [oh yeah, have i forgotten to mention...Reunion launched two weeks ago! yay, we have a church!] hank talked about the need for each other, for togetherness on this crazy road we travel. and that's been a paramount thought for me lately, just that people need people. God made us to love and be loved by others. that's why He made stellar things like marriages and families and stuff, which, like so many things He created to bless us with, they are so many times associated with tarnished images, thanks to our human-ness and tendency to f things up. [exit soap box.]

so then i wonder, as hard as it sometimes is for me to desire to help the rich [and by sometimes i mean most all the time], how do we bring love and community to those people? because i know there's got to be a few pretty lonely people tucked away in their bizillion dollar Beacon Hill condos. i'm thinking we could just relocate our little community from one side of the Common to the other [where Beacon Hill is]. just start knocking on some doors, handing out free high fives and hugs...["hello, John Kerry, would you like a hug?"] :o)

what were the things that became clear tonight? i'll highlight just one: derrick said, many times, this wonderful phrase [definite inspiration for my next song]:

"as long as you are in the Light, you're going to be alright."

simple? yes. but derrick has this amazing way of speaking simple-yet-profound truth and encouragement into my life. his words tonight were exactly what i needed to hear.

derrick is a poet and my Brotha' and my jamaican homeless friend. he does my heart good.

sifted.

Well, I’m not really sure where to begin…the past few weeks and months have been altogether difficult and wonderful. There are lots of thoughts churning in my head, lots of feelings in my heart. I feel I should try to restrain my words, but know all too well that I’m about to vomit all over this blog. And for that, I’m sorry. But not really.

I guess it all started sometime this past summer, and by “it” I mean a very extended wrestling match with God. Yeah, super idea, right? And whenever I enter into such foolishness, defeat is certain and known…yet, I continue. You wonder, what was it I was bringing to the mat? Well, essentially everything: my job(s)…my family…people’s pain…my friends…injustices…my future. Unfortunately, much of the wrestling had to do with myself, mainly because I can be a pretty selfish bastard. And I hate that.

Much of the summer and early fall was spent wrestling, some days for people and situations my eyes had been opened to, other days for my stupid little life, and still other days for things I have yet to know. Sometimes being pissed off at God just feels…good. He knows I love Him regardless, and many times I think He’s the only One able to hear what I need to say, able to handle prayers where F-bombs dominate.

So, sometime around September, I was getting pretty tired of wrestling, and losing pretty good at that point. As I stepped away from the wrestling mat, I instantly fell into a large sifter. The best way I know how to paint a picture of this is the following:

When I was a kid, probably preschool age, my mom would take me to the children’s museum. They always had a couple of rooms to explore and play with water and sand. There were all sorts of buckets and shovels and other things to entertain a four-year old for hours, including a big area where you could dig for “fossils.” So exciting. I remember scooping up large amounts of sand into a plastic sifter, eagerly anticipating the discovery of a new-found object. The thing with those sifters, though, is that the holes are so very small, and shaking is definitely required. And when a four-year old teams up with other four-year olds and they begin to shake a bunch of sand around, you get…a big mess. But in time, the treasure is found, amidst jubilee.

The past few weeks have been this: I am the plastic sifter; all the crap that has resided in my heart way too long is the sand; and God is the four-year old having way too much fun. And what’s left…well, that is a treasure. I’m not sure exactly what it looks like yet, but I know it’s a good thing. A refining of my heart, if you will.

I think the past week has been one of emergence from the sifting phase. Not that the sifting is stopping, just slowing down a bit. Let’s face it, there still is so much that I really suck at, and I have a definite growing cynical side…but I don’t think that’s all bad, and yeah…I’m just content with all of that for the time being. This past week…the convention in Indy and the amazing conversations that took place there; spending time with the fam; being encouraged and loved by some really stellar friends…yeah, it’s been incredible. After all the wrestling and sifting, some rebuilding and reuniting was very much needed.

So, what does all of this cryptic talk mean? I don’t know exactly. All I know is God loves me more than I can stand to feel. I know Boston is my home, Sojourn is my job, community is being built again in my life, and I must continue to be patient with basically…everything. Grad school and overseas work is coming…or at least I have significant hope for those things. Discouragement and frustration will probably still come – daily - and winter will be cold and dark; my homeless friends will shiver in the night, and kids I tutor will continue to fight for their education; empty, angry people will pass me on the street, and I can choose to either share or restrain the joy I have in Christ. In whatever comes, my best is all I can give…and that’s what I want to do. That’s what I must do.

This entry is a bit long and heavy, and…well, too bad. This is just a little of my life, a little of my heart...

rebirth

the new and improved sojourn website!! [also see link to the right]

bobby, good work!

game, set, match.

small victories of the past couple weeks...

• 665 Beacon St: our new* office.
• B.A.A. half-marathon: check.
• first camping/hiking expedition in VT: first successful** trip with nate.
• bike accident in packard's corner: didn't die.
• second attempt at the GRE: improved by a whole 10 points.
• submission of first grad school application: not super-confident, but hopeful.

*new = new-to-us. it's slightly ghetto, but with some fresh paint and Ikea furniture, we should be settled in soon.
**successful = no injuries/frostbite. AND, it was actually several steps beyond successful [i.e. amazing], thanks to a little stop here.

what runners may come

You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you

You fall away
It's following you

- Fall Away, The Fray

regina spektor and the fray are my two newest loves. you should check them out.

along with that, the book The End of Poverty, by Jeff Sachs. incredible.

Sojourn things are really picking up, and so is my attitude, which has kind of sucked in recent weeks. so that's very exciting/encouraging. we have a weekly meeting for BU undergrads, as well as a weekly meeting for grad students throughout the city. and we should have our offices (shared with the Reunion guys) soon! [oh yeah, p.s. the Boston Partnership church-plant we are kind of partnering with, chose the name Reunion Christian Church a while back...and they are due to launch in less than 4 weeks.]

um, yeah. that's the very condensed version of new news, and it's the most important, i think.

i've been pretty torn lately, with way too much to mention here, but basically with thoughts on what is to come...and where and why i fit into whatever that is. when i stop and am real with myself, i am confident with whatever the whatever is. but many (wasted) minutes of my day are spent trying to tame my restlessness, or attempting to gather the little pieces of confidence left over from hearty blows to my soul, or wrestling with the daydreaming of new and fresh adventures while focusing on my work here. why can't i settle? where is contentment? why, when knowing and loving vulnerability, is it still so stinkin' hard? and from where do those stupid walls in my heart come?

don't get me wrong, i really love my life here, this far-from-mainstream life God has opened up to me. but the weeks, and days, and literally the hours of some days can be pretty rollercoaster-ish. if the foundation of my life is God, how can that be? i think a lot of it comes down to trust...and for that, i share with you a story:

i was running the other day, testing out my brand new running shoes, which was super exciting. anyway, i was approaching a rather busy intersection, so i thought to slow a bit, but the light was green so even a block away, i was totally going for it. on my right i was shadowed by a large, ugly brick building...on my left, i checked for cars...all clear. and then it happened. as soon as my foot fell in line with the building's cornerstone, BAM! a runner coming from the right barreled into me...or maybe i slammed into her. in either case, it was my first experience of literally running into someone while running. and honestly, after the initial shock and pain, it was pretty hilarious, i'm sure especially to any witnessing motorists.

i realized i put a lot of trust into my feet and my shoes (and as i get older, my knees) when i run. and, up until the other day, i guess i gave a fair amount of trust to my peripheral vision and my fellow runners as well. and the funny thing is, none of those things ever asked to be trusted, really. but Jesus asks me for my trust, to get up and follow Him. and i do; and i will. but i want to do a better job of that, you know? really lay it all out there, and not fear the unseen headphones-blaring-in-their-own-world runner; not fear whatever the whatever is.

slowly and steadily, my trust is deepening. and that's really, really good.

summer school roundup

my five-week stint as a teacher (tutor, whatever...i made lesson plans everyday so that has to count for something) at summer school is over. Nayisha kicked butt and passed her final; Shatieya ended up moving to tennessee two days before summer school was over; and Corey improved by almost 30% on his math proficiency test. i'm really proud of them.

so last week was kind of crazy, balancing three jobs (Sojourn responsibilities are back in full force); this week has been nice, back to "normal" life, whatever that is. but, i really miss my kiddos. i wish i had a picture of them, but here's a pic of our tutoring team, The Bulls. we were an awesome team and had a lot of fun.

lots of new Sojourn news coming at you soon! (including, we are now officially an independent non-profit).

so i'm a teacher (kind of)

my tutoring job (with the MATCH Summer Academy) has been going for almost three weeks now. it's held at MIT, which is great because a) the MATCH school has a partnership with MIT, and the kids get a little taste of college life, and b) my apartment is conveniently situated equidistant between MIT and Harvard...and i have jobs at both places.

anyway, for the first two weeks, i tutored two students in algebra 2 and one in geometry. my algebra students, Shatieya and Nayisha, are hilarious and, for the most part, really focused. Marcus was my geometry student, but since he was only at summer academy for failing a final (and not a class), the deal is two weeks of tutoring, re-take the final and pass...and you're done. so Marcus took that bad boy last friday...and PASSED! i was pretty stoked.

so since i don't have Marcus anymore, this week i got a new student, Corey. he's an incoming freshman, and he's a great kid, but man...we have a lot of work to do. today we spent two hours on fractions and converting fractions to decimals. two hours. and Corey is a quick-learner, and worked really hard, but i think he has trouble with retention...so, we'll see. it was just killing me though, and honestly, making me really mad - not at him - at the system that has so dreadfully failed him. a ninth-grader, who stuggles at long division? the sad truth is, yes, and he is very much not alone.

this is why the MATCH school exists, and why i love tutoring these kids: because education and knowledge is freedom, and these kids have been imprisioned in a (nameless) school system(s) that has given them nothing of the sort. now they have four short years to turn around a lifetime of educational inadequacy, and let me tell you, they are fighters...and they inspire me every day. i'm so glad to be a small part of it.

yes!

of the 10 most overpriced places in the united states, THREE are in the Boston metro area!! go Cambridge, at number 5!

just one of the many challenges we face doing ministry here. now do you see why i can't afford meat?!?