who's serving whom?

i was talking with my friend derrick tonight, and while so many things became stunningly clear, a couple questions really broke out of my heart.

for one, when we hang out with our homeless friends each wednesday night, serving them food, giving them some warm clothes, talking, singing, praying, and [more than anything] listening...who is serving whom? i wonder because many of these people are very much my friends, and bless me with conversation and hugs and love. it's a wonderful community, on the edge of the Common, a place where at 10 o'clock at night you shouldn't feel safe, but i...do.

so yeah, i guess the answer is, we serve each other, in some ways different, but in many ways the same. it's so good. i'm reminded of hank's sermon on sunday. [oh yeah, have i forgotten to mention...Reunion launched two weeks ago! yay, we have a church!] hank talked about the need for each other, for togetherness on this crazy road we travel. and that's been a paramount thought for me lately, just that people need people. God made us to love and be loved by others. that's why He made stellar things like marriages and families and stuff, which, like so many things He created to bless us with, they are so many times associated with tarnished images, thanks to our human-ness and tendency to f things up. [exit soap box.]

so then i wonder, as hard as it sometimes is for me to desire to help the rich [and by sometimes i mean most all the time], how do we bring love and community to those people? because i know there's got to be a few pretty lonely people tucked away in their bizillion dollar Beacon Hill condos. i'm thinking we could just relocate our little community from one side of the Common to the other [where Beacon Hill is]. just start knocking on some doors, handing out free high fives and hugs...["hello, John Kerry, would you like a hug?"] :o)

what were the things that became clear tonight? i'll highlight just one: derrick said, many times, this wonderful phrase [definite inspiration for my next song]:

"as long as you are in the Light, you're going to be alright."

simple? yes. but derrick has this amazing way of speaking simple-yet-profound truth and encouragement into my life. his words tonight were exactly what i needed to hear.

derrick is a poet and my Brotha' and my jamaican homeless friend. he does my heart good.

sifted.

Well, I’m not really sure where to begin…the past few weeks and months have been altogether difficult and wonderful. There are lots of thoughts churning in my head, lots of feelings in my heart. I feel I should try to restrain my words, but know all too well that I’m about to vomit all over this blog. And for that, I’m sorry. But not really.

I guess it all started sometime this past summer, and by “it” I mean a very extended wrestling match with God. Yeah, super idea, right? And whenever I enter into such foolishness, defeat is certain and known…yet, I continue. You wonder, what was it I was bringing to the mat? Well, essentially everything: my job(s)…my family…people’s pain…my friends…injustices…my future. Unfortunately, much of the wrestling had to do with myself, mainly because I can be a pretty selfish bastard. And I hate that.

Much of the summer and early fall was spent wrestling, some days for people and situations my eyes had been opened to, other days for my stupid little life, and still other days for things I have yet to know. Sometimes being pissed off at God just feels…good. He knows I love Him regardless, and many times I think He’s the only One able to hear what I need to say, able to handle prayers where F-bombs dominate.

So, sometime around September, I was getting pretty tired of wrestling, and losing pretty good at that point. As I stepped away from the wrestling mat, I instantly fell into a large sifter. The best way I know how to paint a picture of this is the following:

When I was a kid, probably preschool age, my mom would take me to the children’s museum. They always had a couple of rooms to explore and play with water and sand. There were all sorts of buckets and shovels and other things to entertain a four-year old for hours, including a big area where you could dig for “fossils.” So exciting. I remember scooping up large amounts of sand into a plastic sifter, eagerly anticipating the discovery of a new-found object. The thing with those sifters, though, is that the holes are so very small, and shaking is definitely required. And when a four-year old teams up with other four-year olds and they begin to shake a bunch of sand around, you get…a big mess. But in time, the treasure is found, amidst jubilee.

The past few weeks have been this: I am the plastic sifter; all the crap that has resided in my heart way too long is the sand; and God is the four-year old having way too much fun. And what’s left…well, that is a treasure. I’m not sure exactly what it looks like yet, but I know it’s a good thing. A refining of my heart, if you will.

I think the past week has been one of emergence from the sifting phase. Not that the sifting is stopping, just slowing down a bit. Let’s face it, there still is so much that I really suck at, and I have a definite growing cynical side…but I don’t think that’s all bad, and yeah…I’m just content with all of that for the time being. This past week…the convention in Indy and the amazing conversations that took place there; spending time with the fam; being encouraged and loved by some really stellar friends…yeah, it’s been incredible. After all the wrestling and sifting, some rebuilding and reuniting was very much needed.

So, what does all of this cryptic talk mean? I don’t know exactly. All I know is God loves me more than I can stand to feel. I know Boston is my home, Sojourn is my job, community is being built again in my life, and I must continue to be patient with basically…everything. Grad school and overseas work is coming…or at least I have significant hope for those things. Discouragement and frustration will probably still come – daily - and winter will be cold and dark; my homeless friends will shiver in the night, and kids I tutor will continue to fight for their education; empty, angry people will pass me on the street, and I can choose to either share or restrain the joy I have in Christ. In whatever comes, my best is all I can give…and that’s what I want to do. That’s what I must do.

This entry is a bit long and heavy, and…well, too bad. This is just a little of my life, a little of my heart...