sifted.

Well, I’m not really sure where to begin…the past few weeks and months have been altogether difficult and wonderful. There are lots of thoughts churning in my head, lots of feelings in my heart. I feel I should try to restrain my words, but know all too well that I’m about to vomit all over this blog. And for that, I’m sorry. But not really.

I guess it all started sometime this past summer, and by “it” I mean a very extended wrestling match with God. Yeah, super idea, right? And whenever I enter into such foolishness, defeat is certain and known…yet, I continue. You wonder, what was it I was bringing to the mat? Well, essentially everything: my job(s)…my family…people’s pain…my friends…injustices…my future. Unfortunately, much of the wrestling had to do with myself, mainly because I can be a pretty selfish bastard. And I hate that.

Much of the summer and early fall was spent wrestling, some days for people and situations my eyes had been opened to, other days for my stupid little life, and still other days for things I have yet to know. Sometimes being pissed off at God just feels…good. He knows I love Him regardless, and many times I think He’s the only One able to hear what I need to say, able to handle prayers where F-bombs dominate.

So, sometime around September, I was getting pretty tired of wrestling, and losing pretty good at that point. As I stepped away from the wrestling mat, I instantly fell into a large sifter. The best way I know how to paint a picture of this is the following:

When I was a kid, probably preschool age, my mom would take me to the children’s museum. They always had a couple of rooms to explore and play with water and sand. There were all sorts of buckets and shovels and other things to entertain a four-year old for hours, including a big area where you could dig for “fossils.” So exciting. I remember scooping up large amounts of sand into a plastic sifter, eagerly anticipating the discovery of a new-found object. The thing with those sifters, though, is that the holes are so very small, and shaking is definitely required. And when a four-year old teams up with other four-year olds and they begin to shake a bunch of sand around, you get…a big mess. But in time, the treasure is found, amidst jubilee.

The past few weeks have been this: I am the plastic sifter; all the crap that has resided in my heart way too long is the sand; and God is the four-year old having way too much fun. And what’s left…well, that is a treasure. I’m not sure exactly what it looks like yet, but I know it’s a good thing. A refining of my heart, if you will.

I think the past week has been one of emergence from the sifting phase. Not that the sifting is stopping, just slowing down a bit. Let’s face it, there still is so much that I really suck at, and I have a definite growing cynical side…but I don’t think that’s all bad, and yeah…I’m just content with all of that for the time being. This past week…the convention in Indy and the amazing conversations that took place there; spending time with the fam; being encouraged and loved by some really stellar friends…yeah, it’s been incredible. After all the wrestling and sifting, some rebuilding and reuniting was very much needed.

So, what does all of this cryptic talk mean? I don’t know exactly. All I know is God loves me more than I can stand to feel. I know Boston is my home, Sojourn is my job, community is being built again in my life, and I must continue to be patient with basically…everything. Grad school and overseas work is coming…or at least I have significant hope for those things. Discouragement and frustration will probably still come – daily - and winter will be cold and dark; my homeless friends will shiver in the night, and kids I tutor will continue to fight for their education; empty, angry people will pass me on the street, and I can choose to either share or restrain the joy I have in Christ. In whatever comes, my best is all I can give…and that’s what I want to do. That’s what I must do.

This entry is a bit long and heavy, and…well, too bad. This is just a little of my life, a little of my heart...